Unceasing Restlessness

Today, I have no structure for this blog.
I didn't brainstorm, or jot down ideas that I thought would be an interesting read or would offer a thought-provoking script of writing.
No, not today.
As I sit with my fingertips hovering over the keyboard, I pray that truth and comfort will rise out of this, to someone, somehow.

Today was riddled with anxiety for me. It was one of those "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" mornings, in its truest form. An hour after I woke up I was already crying, wishing I could go back to bed to resist enduring the remainder of the day.
Morning grumblings turned into afternoon panics as my worry followed & taunted me; it is still weighing on me as I write these words.
You guys, it sucks. It hurts. It's scary. It's painful.

And then I came across this picture; I took it from the desk of a cubicle where I wrote essays and studied from during my undergrad at Brock University.
I remember taking the photo because the etched calligraphy spoke to me.
It spoke to me then.
It speaks to me today.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.

And yet I feel so weak.
And so today I have tirelessly sought & prayed & cried & reflected on why.
Here are some thoughts.

I am continually amazed by the heart's tendency to stuff itself until it's stifled & suffocated & strangled & void of life or hope or joy or rest. A. W. Tower says, "Within the human heart "things" have taken over. Men have now by nature no peace within their hearts, for God is crowned there no longer, but there in the moral dusk stubborn and aggressive usurpers fight among themselves for first place on the throne."

Unceasing restlessness. That is the consequence of an over-exerting, straining, striving soul that is depleted from the weight of a heart pinned beneath those "usurpers fighting among themselves".

And so, rather than victoriously doing all things through Christ, we are overcome with the sense of not being able to do anything, and it is because we have cut off our source of strength.

What is waging war on your heart today? In other words, what is fighting, clawing, violently warring to take the place of God in your heart? You know, the battle warring in your heart between choosing faith & obedience in God, and shaming yourself back under the covers of fear & confusion. The kind that infuses itself deep into your bones. Sick stomach, dizzy heart.
You see, it's so easy to be satisfied with where we are in Christianity. We feel comfortable with a routinely checklist that masquerades as the marks of Christ but actually is governed by the darkness of religiosity- church as a building, congregation as a number, Christ as a figure.

And so we miss it. We miss those sometimes subtle indicators that our heart is not at home in the safety and provision of Christ's hands. We have gone astray, drifted into the undercurrent of complacency and mediocrity and we have missed it. We have missed the call of Christ to surrender our heart, no matter the pain it will take. We have missed the cutting, jarring signs that yes, oh yes indeed, we have stuffed some "thing" into the holy, sacred throne of God.

And our hearts are appalled, uncomfortably squirming & gasping under the tyranny of an unworthy, unfit, untrue god that we have very often unknowingly crowned-money, sex, a lover, comfort, pleasure.

& so unceasing restlessness persists.

And for me, today was a restless one. Maybe for you, too.

A text message. That's all it took to send my mind racing & heart chasing after worldly promises of comfort. And you know what? Each of them failed. None brought peace, all wreaked of brokenness & emptiness.
The chocolate snack didn't lift my anxiety. Turning on music didn't dull the throb of my fears. Fresh air didn't renew my mind. Television didn't reset my perspective, didn't distract me from the pressing issues of the day.

I remember shortly after I became a Christian, I sat in a Bible study and listened as those around me spoke of their difficulty in fervently seeking Christ in the ease of goodness in their lives, that in the desperation of trial, their faith was refined and their focus sharpened on God. I sat confused, and confessed that I felt the opposite. I had the tendency to draw near to the Lord in the abundance of goodness, but in the pain and trial I crippled.

I still struggle with this today. Anyone relating to me right now?

And so my heart fought vehemently all day against seeking and resting in God.
Unceasing restlessness.

This culminated into this evening, when editing my sister's paper, I became overcome with the pressing burden of stress. I put my head on the desk and cried out, "If only that paperwork would have just come through, then I would be happy. If only people would keep their word, then I would be happy." And you know what? Those were true statements. Yes, if life were easier, maybe happiness would surface in greater abundance.
But not joy.
Happiness, rooted in circumstance, is fleeting and temporal.
Joy, on the other hand, is an unhindered, unrestricted confidence in Christ, rooted in the faith-filled, hopeful, expectant declaration that Jesus is who He says to be.
The thing about joy is that it actually deepens, matures, and strengthens in its testing. So, it's in those moments of the unknown & scary that joy is developed & grown.

And so here is my dilemma, and maybe yours, too.
I have come to see that I resent what I cannot control. I resent the pain that I see is out of my grasp. Ultimately, I am learning, I resent not placing myself on the throne of my heart.

And so I am unceasingly restless.

So if anyone finds themselves in this season with me, as I preach this to myself, maybe your downcast heart will be uplifted, too.

God promises to guide us. That He is before us. So maybe like me, you woke to a text that unsettled your day, then received a letter that changed your month, and discovered something that disrupts your comfort and happiness. Regardless of its manner of reaching you, it caught you off guard and knocked you off your feet. Here's the thing-it didn't surprise God. He doesn't exist in time, and so the moments of shock to us do not destabilize His constancy. In fact, He already goes before us, and has already declared victory over whatever situation you're facing.
You see, we so vehemently fight to follow Christ wholeheartedly while also frantically grasping for semblances of comfort and security along the way. We don't realize that our fretful reaching outside of Christ is only snagging our hearts & hindering our pursuit of Him. We think that to have our steps illuminated before us means we will see the next one. But that is not reliance on Christ. Dependency on Jesus means surrendering every bit of your life, heart, and hurt to Him in faith that He is the Victor and will reign on the peaks and in the valleys.
Maybe His promise to illuminate our steps is more about illuminating our insight into the heart of our Guide than the actual steps we take.
A revelation.

You see, sometimes saying something out loud reveals the state of your heart, and the things it has made agreements with. Maybe that's why I love to write. Maybe that's why my conversation with my physiotherapist today illuminated the ick in me.
I said to her, "I feel like my life is completely surrendered to the whims of insurance companies, doctors, and physicians. How can I have rest in the moment-to-moment evaluations that dictate what my life will look like?"
And that's when I realized it. It wasn't the insurance companies, doctors, or physicians that were suffocating me today. Not ultimately. It was my heart's misplacement. Allowing glorious crowns to be usurped by unworthy idols.

Only when God assumes His rightful place on the throne of your heart will your soul know rest.

And so, as those etched words onto that rickety desk declared, yes, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but only when I run to Him with an emptied heart, cleared out for Him to take up residence, desiring to be filled with His strength, and His alone. Only when Christ alone is seated on the throne of your heart & life will your soul assume the posture of rest.

I pray you find Jesus in the midst of your emptiness today, because that is where all truly find Him; for when we are weak, then we are strong.

Love,
One heart in pursuit to another.