(the pictures on this blog are all of the weekend God drew my broken heart to His.)
What has God done in my life over the last five years?
What has God done in my life over the last five years?
I have been asked many times to try to explain what has happened in my life in the past five years, to try to tell of what has occurred within and around me since I have come to know God. To that request a reoccurring question of my own always comes to me. How can I verbalize the supernatural and divine touch that has redirected my life? How can I even fathom the majestic intervention that God has orchestrated in my rescue? I am blessed to say that I cannot grasp in earthly terms the supernatural influence that God has had on me, but what I can do is tell of who God has been to me, and how this has changed everything.
I grew up in a small town, in a small apartment, under the care of a loving mother and an absent father who I now know loved me deeply but battled his own demons. I struggled under the weight of his absence, and eventual death (read about that here: http://www.livmiddlemiss.com/peanut-butter-crackers-an-open-letter-to-my-dad/). Battling depression and anxiety from a young age, I would succumb to the tyranny of thoughts declaring my unworthiness, my incompetency, my ugliness.
We went to church a couple of times. I convinced my mom to stop taking me because what I heard in that pew didn't reflect what I saw outside of it.
Pain. Hurt. Loneliness. Depression.
I continued to wrestle with self-condemnation, eventually brewing in my heart a hatred for myself and life. I truly felt for years as if life was merely something ugly & painful & awful to be endured. And so I did. I endured, but I was barely hanging on when I was 15 and heard about Brock University. Teachers said papers, exams, tuition, but all I heard was escape, freedom, renewal. I convinced myself that a fresh landscape would enable my feet to tread on new ground, that the pain haunting me at home would be cast out as I stepped into a new phase of life.
And so I studied & pushed & fought to stay focused.
My best friend moved away to a private Christian school while I stayed back in high school for a victory lap year to prepare for scholarships and pick a post-secondary program to enrol in. She would come home on holidays, sit on my bed, and talk of God and His heart, and I was shaken because for the first time it was not in mere words that God was depicted; she displayed before me a tangible life being affected & changed & renewed, and I didn't know what to make of it, but I knew I was broken, and life- it hurt.
So I went on my spare the next week to a local Christian bookstore, and I purchased an olive green bible with a swirl on the front and red letters in its pages.
It sat in its case that night as I lay on my bed, longing to open it, but aware of my inadequacies. And so I turned over, and fell asleep; in many ways did I fall asleep that night, I now know.
I didn't open that bible for 8 months.
In those months, I compromised my heart for a boy that never cared, struggled with an intensity of depression I had never known, and fell to the ground after receiving my acceptance letter to Brock University, firstly out of joy, and then out of daunting fear that my hopes of escape had been illusion.
Pain. Hurt. Loneliness. Depression.
I continued to wrestle with self-condemnation, eventually brewing in my heart a hatred for myself and life. I truly felt for years as if life was merely something ugly & painful & awful to be endured. And so I did. I endured, but I was barely hanging on when I was 15 and heard about Brock University. Teachers said papers, exams, tuition, but all I heard was escape, freedom, renewal. I convinced myself that a fresh landscape would enable my feet to tread on new ground, that the pain haunting me at home would be cast out as I stepped into a new phase of life.And so I studied & pushed & fought to stay focused.
My best friend moved away to a private Christian school while I stayed back in high school for a victory lap year to prepare for scholarships and pick a post-secondary program to enrol in. She would come home on holidays, sit on my bed, and talk of God and His heart, and I was shaken because for the first time it was not in mere words that God was depicted; she displayed before me a tangible life being affected & changed & renewed, and I didn't know what to make of it, but I knew I was broken, and life- it hurt.So I went on my spare the next week to a local Christian bookstore, and I purchased an olive green bible with a swirl on the front and red letters in its pages.
It sat in its case that night as I lay on my bed, longing to open it, but aware of my inadequacies. And so I turned over, and fell asleep; in many ways did I fall asleep that night, I now know.
I didn't open that bible for 8 months.
In those months, I compromised my heart for a boy that never cared, struggled with an intensity of depression I had never known, and fell to the ground after receiving my acceptance letter to Brock University, firstly out of joy, and then out of daunting fear that my hopes of escape had been illusion.
And then in late August, 2011, I packed my bags, stuck that olive green Bible with the swirl on the front and red letters in its pages into the side pocket of my suitcase, and ran.
I came to Brock broken, to my core, with more baggage than that suitcase I lugged behind me could bear. But I was ready. I came seeking for purpose, meaning, direction, love. I arrived on campus eagerly expecting the typical university experience, and was fully prepared to embrace the recklessness that comes along with it. In a moment’s time, however, all of that changed. All of it. Within the first week I was lying on my dorm bed, crying out of a deep place of defeat as I forcefully acknowledged that the geographical grounding of my life had shifted, but the perspective of my heart remained unchanged.
I came to Brock broken, to my core, with more baggage than that suitcase I lugged behind me could bear. But I was ready. I came seeking for purpose, meaning, direction, love. I arrived on campus eagerly expecting the typical university experience, and was fully prepared to embrace the recklessness that comes along with it. In a moment’s time, however, all of that changed. All of it. Within the first week I was lying on my dorm bed, crying out of a deep place of defeat as I forcefully acknowledged that the geographical grounding of my life had shifted, but the perspective of my heart remained unchanged.
I thought of ending my life.
And then.A piece of paper on my desk prompted my looking through an array of clubs on campus online, eventually leading to a Christian ministry- Power to Change. I was unsure of what compelled me, but my finger tapped to join the group.
And so began God's exhaustive, thorough, passionate pursuit of my heart.
I never saw any of it coming as God’s sovereignty and provision took hold of my life. I very randomly got connected to Power to Change though a Facebook like, (how amazing is it that God has exhausted all means to claim me as His?), and from that point nothing has been the same; there has been no turning back. I went to Summit, a weekend retreat offered through this ministry. I am humbled as I soberly reflect on the pages in my journal of that first evening; I etched onto those pages that I would no longer fight to live if this weekend would not prove it to be worth it, that I no longer had the strength. If God would not come through, neither would I. I wrote, "I don't know if you're real God, but somehow I am drawn to You. Save me."
I never saw any of it coming as God’s sovereignty and provision took hold of my life. I very randomly got connected to Power to Change though a Facebook like, (how amazing is it that God has exhausted all means to claim me as His?), and from that point nothing has been the same; there has been no turning back. I went to Summit, a weekend retreat offered through this ministry. I am humbled as I soberly reflect on the pages in my journal of that first evening; I etched onto those pages that I would no longer fight to live if this weekend would not prove it to be worth it, that I no longer had the strength. If God would not come through, neither would I. I wrote, "I don't know if you're real God, but somehow I am drawn to You. Save me."
A mere hours later I encountered God. A real, tangible, life-shaking, perception-shattering encounter with God. A man on stage holding a guitar & every bit of my heart's attention sang what has become the anthem of my heart; "and if our God is with us, then what can stand against?". All my walls of brokenness & fear, doubt & drowning began to dissipate. They began to crush under the weight of the revelation that yes, there was more to life than brokenness & pain. That yes, I was deeply loved & cherished. That no, I hadn't been alone as I had written those words in my journal just hours before.
And I have never been the same. And I am beyond thankful that I never will be.That is what I want everyone to know, nothing is as it was before He came to me. You see, God didn’t knock on some doors of my heart, He burst through all the walls around me. He radically shifted my idea of what it means to have purpose, and what it is to love and be loved in a way that mightily transforms the world and the hearts in it. He has lifted me from the despair and fear and brokenness of this world and placed me on the security and protection and authority that is in Christ, my Rock. Does this mean that pain no longer wages war on my life? That anxiety is a struggle of the past? No, but it does mean that my trials and suffering no longer stake claim over my heart. That my fears no longer grip my soul, taking out the foundation beneath my feet. Christ is now my foundation, & He is immovable, unchanging, constant in His steadfastness. Circumstance may change, but His love never will.
"That Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height-to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19.
A grave mistake we too often make is deciding that this greatness of love will void any semblance of suffering in our lives. I confronted this assumption head first this past year, as I lay in the hospital bed after a car accident (read here: http://www.livmiddlemiss.com/january-23-2016/). And here is what I now know: No suffering will exceed His love, but all suffering will refine our knowledge of it. Bring us closer to it. Overflow us with it.
My passions, ambitions, and dreams have all changed, they point to Him now. He was my great protector as I searched for purpose before I encountered Him, He was my intimate intercessor as He led me to His Cross, and He has been my caring sustainer as I grow in love of Him and strive to be more like Him. He has captured my heart and I am SO BLESSED to say that He will never give it back. God overwhelms me with His grace, love, conviction, and power every day. God has been realigning my life with His hand and will, changing not only my heart but those around me as well. I have been so blessed as to be able to witness God orchestrating the same rescue on others as He has performed, and continues to perform, every day on mine and others’ behalf.
Might. Power. Compassion. I cannot even bear the greatness that has disrupted everything I thought my life would be.
And so, I suppose the best way I can answer the question “What has God done to and for you in the past five years?”, is by responding with: what hasn’t He done? My sweet, sweet King-He has done everything.
One redeemed & refining heart to another,
Liv
Liv
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