Dan and I recently celebrated our one year wedding anniversary! In light of that, I decided to record a list of "lessons learned" to reflect on. I decided to share them with you in the hopes that somebody finds encouragement in it somewhere. Disclaimer I DEFINITELY do not claim to have all the answers, or even to have scratched more than the surface here (if that). But I love to journey with people through whatever season they enter, and since this is one of mine, I wanted to open up my blog to transparency and vulnerability and invite you in.
1- Marriage is the actual best. 😉
2- Marriage was designed as a covenant. A covenant is more than a promise. It is an oath you stake your life upon to honour, respect, love, admonish, support, and pursue your spouse. It is unbreakable; a commingling of souls.
3- Marriage is a holy, sacred union, meaning it is unique to all other relationships.
4- Because of the nature of the martial relationship, your spouse will be the most intimate relationship you share with any person.
5- Marriage is a mirror; you will see yourself in a more focused, narrowed in lens than you've ever experienced. It's not always easy!
6- Forgive often.
7- Sex is a means to physically demonstrate the spiritual "oneness" that a man and woman exemplify when they get married. It's actually a way to praise God within the context of marriage!
8- Sex can be an idol, even in marriage. It's important for your only foundation to be Christ.
9- Being different people is okay! Having differing interests, hobbies, or pastimes (sometimes even ministry contexts) can create opportunities to engage in experiences you never would have otherwise.
10- If your spouse doesn't have the same strengths as you, that is often something to celebrate! For example, I am more empathic by nature than Dan. Doing life with me has begun to develop in him a greater tenacity for empathy. Dan is more generous with his resources and time to bless people than I am. Experiencing life with him has challenged me in this area, and I am encouraged to see changes beginning in me too.
11- Kiss often. OFTEN.
12- Conflict is a retrospective tool to reflectively discern the strengths, weaknesses, and areas of needed growth in your relationship- "growth opportunities" as Lysa Terkeurst calls them.
13- Submission is never threatening when submission to Christ is the greatest desires of both of your hearts.
14- Don't compare to other relationships. Your marriage is uniquely yours. Celebrate in that!
15- Don't go to bed angry.
16- Establish healthy boundaries that each partner will have with the opposite sex as a protective mechanism. It is better to be overly cautious than regretfully sorrowful. Sit down, create the boundaries, and abide by them. If you don't establish your expectations early on, how can you expect to impose them once a line has been crossed? Be assertive in this area.
17- Honor your spouse in speech, whether in person, to others, on social media, etc.
18- Center Christ. Seriously. It's the only way this thing will work. It's His design.
19- Find a ministry serving opportunity immediately. People often say that your first year of marriage should be for each other, to focus only on one another. While it is important to prioritize each other, the best context to get to know your spouse is in Kingdom building. Purposefully commit to fostering the environment in your first year of marriage that you want to sustain throughout your lives. Connect to a church, find a need, and fill it.
20- Never stop discovering your spouse.
21- The reason #20 is possible is because we are always changing. From year to year, sometimes even month to month, our spouses (and ourselves) can change. Pursue and commit to loving the growing and evolving person you married.
22- Travel. Something about discovering a new place together strengthens your bond. Even if it's just outside of town, or somewhere in your community you've never explored, make time for it!
23- Marriage is not just about you and your spouse; it wasn't meant to function in isolation. Surround yourselves with a community of supporters who will encourage and stand by you (in-laws, friends, church, etc).
24- Going off #23, have people to hold you accountable within your marriage. I am thankful for our friends that point out to Dan and I when we use a bad tone, don't respect each other, or have crossed a line. Welcome gracious insight and criticism into your marriage.
25- Marriage is meant to refine. Two broken people come together in a wedding ceremony, and from that point move forward as one pursing wholeness. It'll be a bumpy ride at times, but something beautiful is being made.
26- Expect you and your spouse's shortcomings to be unveiled.
27- It is all too easy to take your spouse for granted. Don't assume that just because they are your husband/wife now they must "_______". Always purpose to overflow with a heart of gratitude for the gifts they give you from a place of humility, not self-entitlement.
28- I got this idea from "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken. If you love your spouse, you will be able to find a way to love what they love. So find it. When each spouse invites the other into their interests and passions, deep bonds are braided between the couple and will strengthen and safe-guard their marriage over time. (Read this book, it's amazing!)
29- Don't compartmentalize your marriage and life, whether that be other relationships, jobs, family, etc. Infuse your spouse into as many areas of your life as you can.
30- Pray together.
30- Pray together.
31- Prioritize intimacy. Initiate.
32- Understand the dreams & desires of your spouse. This is another area that will change over time, so be sure to be attentive here.
33- Learn their love language. A large source of conflict in marriage is misdirecting & misunderstanding love communication. Learn what best demonstrates love to your spouse and then discipline yourself to do it. (This will be a challenge if, like me, your love language is different than theirs. Be persistent!) Take the love language test here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
34- Learn communication. This has been a difficult area for us. Learn to communicate your wants, desires, fears, insecurities, and expectations to your spouse.
35- Marriage is a means to an end, the end being God's glory, bringing Him praise, and pointing people to Jesus. Because marriage is HIS institution, HIS idea, and HIS design, it ALWAYS works best under HIS authority & hand.
36- When you are about to discuss a topic that you and your spouse disagree on (or once you're already in a heated argument), each of you stop and pray for the other. This creates an environment of humility in your relationship that sets a healthy and considerate foundation for your discussion.
37- This idea came from Audrey & Jeremy Roloff's blog http://beating50percent.com/. Unity in conflict is important; holding hands during arguments fosters an environment of humility, enforcing the truth that you are a team.
38- Don't settle for mediocrity. Don't use the world's love as your standard for your spouse. The world will tell you that love must be earned, is based on performance, and therefore is highly conditional. God has a higher plan and vision for marriage than this! Break this thought and re-establish marriage as a gracious convenantal union that offers love and mercy unconditionally.
39- Adopt grace as a lifestyle. It is only through continuous, habitual decisions to extend grace that a marriage will have the fertilizer to grow. The only way to have the ability to grant forgiveness without merit to your spouse is to acknowledge your stance before God and you dire need for His grace- that He chooses to love you in spite of your failures and shortcomings; that His love is truly without condition. Once you understand the gracious love Jesus offers you, you are free to extend the same grace to your spouse.
40- Pick your battles. Decide what is important and critical to your relationship; don't give way to pettiness.
41- Don't make assumptions about thoughts or comments your spouse makes. Ask them what that look, comment, etc. meant before you decide you already know. Don't be afraid to be lovingly direct!
42- Make their friends yours, too.
43- Study the Bible together.
44- Have an older couple to provide perspective, insight, and accountability.
45- Open a joint bank account.
46- Seek God yourself. To be the best spouse you can be requires growing in your own personal relationship with Christ, who is Love Himself. "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19.
47- Pray each day for God to enable you to love your spouse as He does, and for creative ways to demonstrate this love to them.
48- Be willing to step outside the chores/responsibilities that you and your spouse regularly do. Surprise them and do something you wouldn't regularly.
49- Compliment your spouse daily. This includes appearance, gifts, characteristics, ways they have served you, etc. Authentic affirmation is important.
50- Understand that decisions and convictions you hold in your marriage may not be understood by everybody.
51- Humbly accept/ give loving criticism from/to your spouse. This should come from a place of concern/trust that your spouse/yourself has the best interest for the other and the marriage in mind.
52- And finally...It is in the clarity of the Gospel, not a diamond, that a marriage will flourish and strengthen.
What are some things you have learned in your marriage? Share below!
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